Day 24: Claim the Shame

Read Luke 3-5

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.”  -Luke 5:4-10

In a portion of today’s reading, we flashback to the very first time that Jesus meets Simon Peter, fishing with James and John and finding himself coming up short-handed on fish. After Simon Peter rebukes Jesus’ insistence on putting out the nets in deeper water, he finds himself at Jesus’ knees, prostrating himself after the public show of doubt he had just convicted. In any other perspective, if this scenario had taken place in the 21st century, this would have been labeled as a failure of faith on Simon Peter, and Jesus should have continued onwards, searching for a true disciple with unwavering faith. However, the story ends with Jesus leaving the Lake of Gennesaret, with three new disciples. This is why Jesus’ love is so baffling to those who have yet to experience it in their lives, it’s completely opposite to logic and reason and everything that we follow in our world. Jesus saw Simon Peter, broken and crumpled before him, but He didn’t see him as a sinful, shameful shell of a man; He saw him as a vessel - a vessel that would go on and pour the Holy Spirit into the hearts of many, the true quality of a disciple of Christ.

We are imperfect creatures in an imperfect world, with a perfect Father in Christ who sent down His own son to wash away the stains of our sins. Jesus sees these blemishes and these imperfections and he loves us despite them. We can even see the tendrils of doubt flicker within the lives of Jesus’ very own disciples. My heart always felt for Thomas, who was forever labeled the “doubter”, after he had to physically touch the wounds of Jesus himself to accept living proof of the resurrection. So often I find logic leading my faith as Thomas did, when faith should be leading all aspects of life. As touched on a previous devotional, we heard the story of Jesus’ foretelling of Peter’s disownment, and how after the rooster crowed and Peter had realized what he had done, he went outside and wept bitterly. The shame and sadness of both of these key disciples shows us that Christ isn’t looking for perfection; he wants us to embrace the shame, and use it as a tool towards growth. Shame should not just be seen as a lack of something on your part, but as an understanding of recognition that you find something in yourself that you find un-Christ like, and that it is something that you need to work on. So during your meditation this Lent, ask yourself what is it about yourself that you find shameful? What is it that you do or think that makes our Father unhappy? Whatever it is, don’t turn away from it; embrace yourself through it because remember that just as Simon Peter found himself drowning in his brokenness, God found a way to make beauty from that brokenness.

- Anita Jacob